I am not a priority.

It’s hard to talk about. It’s not something I say because I want to whine about it, although I’m sure plenty of people will misinterpret it as such. And I’m not looking for sympathy, though again, people will have it and I will gladly accept it. 

It’s difficult to express what I mean by it. Because it will sound like I’m saying no one cares about me, or no one loves me. And that isn’t the case at all. Plenty of people love and care about me. 

But when it comes time to do things like fill out emergency contact info, or life insurance policies, or even who to ask to pick me up from a dentist office after dental work... I’m at a loss as to who to put in that roll.

Save your jokes about being added to my life insurance policy, please. 

I wasn’t a priority to my parents growing up. And there are a lot of reasons for that; some maybe justifiable, some just plain shitty. I’m not a priority to them now, but let’s be honest, at 35 it would be a little absurd to think I would be. 

But growing up, they weren’t interested in my school work. Just that I got through it. I was told on many occasions, it didn’t even matter if I got all C’s. Just that I finished. I didn’t get many phone calls checking up on how I was doing. I rarely got attention unless I got into some kind of trouble, and when that happened, it naturally wasn’t a lot of loving attention. 

I say these things about my parents not to blame them about who I am now. Obviously there’s a point where you have to be responsible for yourself. But instead, just keep it in mind for a while. 

My first real relationship, maybe my only real relationship, my partner had no qualms explaining to me that I came third. Family, friends, then me. That’s just how things were. I didn’t have the language to explain that not only was that seriously damaging, but just untactful. We’re still friends now, and I imagine her view on priorities have changed and wouldn’t say something like that now. Although, she may still feel the same. 

I try not to hold this against her, but sometimes it’s easy to feel like I was never really given the chance in that relationship. Not that I did anything to deserve that. It’s just easy to feel that way. It’s easy to feel like you deserve things when you don’t. It’s something else I’ll get into later. 

Back then, my circle of friends weren’t terrible. But they were selfish. And honestly, so was I in many aspects. But between the weak bonds of family and never really finding my footing romantically, I did try to prioritize their needs and desires as best I could. It’s hard to see if they did the same. The reality of it is, I probably put too much stock in the wrong kinds of people too often, and neglected the right kinds of people when it mattered most. 

As I’ve grown, I’ve had a central group of friends that has ebbed and flowed through time, but has basically stayed the same. They were shitty friends at points. Mostly because of drugs and alcohol, a little because I couldn’t stand up for myself, maybe because it took them time to mature as adults. 

At the end of the day, they’re still my friends because when it counts, they’re there for me. They’re better people overall now. They’re loyal, and more understanding, and if I called them, they’d do their best to stop and listen. 

But I am not a priority. 

And again it would be stupid to think that I was. They have their own lives, and as awesome as it is to have the same circle of friends for such a long time, my problems are my own and more so as time goes on, they don’t need me prioritizing their needs because they’ve learned to do it themselves. 

This feeling. Of having no one I’m really connected to. Not having anyone to share my every day life with. Having no real company to keep. It’s not just circumstantial. I’ve played a roll in this as well. I’ve done my fair share of drinking. I’ve felt like I’ve deserved things from people, and when I haven’t gotten it, acted really shitty. I’ve treated potential partners like scum before, during, after relationships. I’ve done things I’m never going to be proud of, ruined the trust of good people, and made myself very, very ugly. 

Maybe because I never prioritized myself. Or maybe because that’s just who I was as a person. I was a shitty person. 

So much so that when someone did come along and try to prioritize me, I was so overwhelmed with my own self-pitying bullshit that it blew right by me. I was offered a family. I was offered a chance at therapy. I was offered acceptance for who or what was seen inside of me. And I completely ruined it because I couldn’t see it. 

And if things hadn’t been bad before, they sure did get worse after that. 

And they stayed worse. I couldn’t see it, but it was bad. I still don’t know how I snapped out of it, or if I really have, or what the fuck. I just woke up one day and didn’t want to be that person anymore, so I did something I had never done before. 

I prioritized myself. 

At least, as much as I knew how. I tried to apologize to those I could. I respected those that wished me away. I went to therapy. I realized that I was one of those “nice guys” that treated women like shit. I worked in that. I worked on having a better relationship with my family. I worked on presenting my friends with the language and behavior I expected to receive. I put in the work, and I keep putting in the work, because... I mean, who the fuck else is gonna do it? 

It’s so easy to feel like you’re deserved to be treated a certain way. It’s so easy to stay rotten like that. It’s easy to feel like you should be prioritized. But honestly, you don’t. 

I am disconnected because part of my growing up was learning to de-prioritize myself over others and part of being an adult is not taking responsibility for the way that I feel. I am not a priority to my family, or my friends, some day still not even to myself, and that is just as much my fault as anyone else’s. I try. I try so very hard that it becomes frustrating, and in my heart, I know the people that love me try too. 

But the voice inside my soul screams out constantly, that I am not a priority, and therefore my efforts are futile. 

I’m not here to whine about it, or to try and gather sympathy. But I understand those perspectives. I just needed to say how it is I’m thinking lately, maybe in hopes of getting over it and moving on to the next thing. Inevitably, people will share their opinion about it, and I will be met with both opposition and acceptance for these words. And as always, I won’t know exactly how to deal it with it. So for the majority of it, I won’t. And that’s on me. But through all of those mixed opinions, I hope everyone understands that none of it makes it any easier to fill out an emergency contact form. Because it doesn’t change that I am not a priority to anyone. And I hope people understand that I get that. 

We can sit around and talk about how God has a plan and things will change and it’ll get better. On the same scale, we can discuss how the universe is a mass of chaos and I just drew some unlucky cards. It doesn’t change the situation. 

Today, here and now, in this moment, I am not a priority. 

Please excuse me while I try and figure out how to live with it.