I am not a priority.

It’s hard to talk about. It’s not something I say because I want to whine about it, although I’m sure plenty of people will misinterpret it as such. And I’m not looking for sympathy, though again, people will have it and I will gladly accept it. 

It’s difficult to express what I mean by it. Because it will sound like I’m saying no one cares about me, or no one loves me. And that isn’t the case at all. Plenty of people love and care about me. 

But when it comes time to do things like fill out emergency contact info, or life insurance policies, or even who to ask to pick me up from a dentist office after dental work... I’m at a loss as to who to put in that roll.

Save your jokes about being added to my life insurance policy, please. 

I wasn’t a priority to my parents growing up. And there are a lot of reasons for that; some maybe justifiable, some just plain shitty. I’m not a priority to them now, but let’s be honest, at 35 it would be a little absurd to think I would be. 

But growing up, they weren’t interested in my school work. Just that I got through it. I was told on many occasions, it didn’t even matter if I got all C’s. Just that I finished. I didn’t get many phone calls checking up on how I was doing. I rarely got attention unless I got into some kind of trouble, and when that happened, it naturally wasn’t a lot of loving attention. 

I say these things about my parents not to blame them about who I am now. Obviously there’s a point where you have to be responsible for yourself. But instead, just keep it in mind for a while. 

My first real relationship, maybe my only real relationship, my partner had no qualms explaining to me that I came third. Family, friends, then me. That’s just how things were. I didn’t have the language to explain that not only was that seriously damaging, but just untactful. We’re still friends now, and I imagine her view on priorities have changed and wouldn’t say something like that now. Although, she may still feel the same. 

I try not to hold this against her, but sometimes it’s easy to feel like I was never really given the chance in that relationship. Not that I did anything to deserve that. It’s just easy to feel that way. It’s easy to feel like you deserve things when you don’t. It’s something else I’ll get into later. 

Back then, my circle of friends weren’t terrible. But they were selfish. And honestly, so was I in many aspects. But between the weak bonds of family and never really finding my footing romantically, I did try to prioritize their needs and desires as best I could. It’s hard to see if they did the same. The reality of it is, I probably put too much stock in the wrong kinds of people too often, and neglected the right kinds of people when it mattered most. 

As I’ve grown, I’ve had a central group of friends that has ebbed and flowed through time, but has basically stayed the same. They were shitty friends at points. Mostly because of drugs and alcohol, a little because I couldn’t stand up for myself, maybe because it took them time to mature as adults. 

At the end of the day, they’re still my friends because when it counts, they’re there for me. They’re better people overall now. They’re loyal, and more understanding, and if I called them, they’d do their best to stop and listen. 

But I am not a priority. 

And again it would be stupid to think that I was. They have their own lives, and as awesome as it is to have the same circle of friends for such a long time, my problems are my own and more so as time goes on, they don’t need me prioritizing their needs because they’ve learned to do it themselves. 

This feeling. Of having no one I’m really connected to. Not having anyone to share my every day life with. Having no real company to keep. It’s not just circumstantial. I’ve played a roll in this as well. I’ve done my fair share of drinking. I’ve felt like I’ve deserved things from people, and when I haven’t gotten it, acted really shitty. I’ve treated potential partners like scum before, during, after relationships. I’ve done things I’m never going to be proud of, ruined the trust of good people, and made myself very, very ugly. 

Maybe because I never prioritized myself. Or maybe because that’s just who I was as a person. I was a shitty person. 

So much so that when someone did come along and try to prioritize me, I was so overwhelmed with my own self-pitying bullshit that it blew right by me. I was offered a family. I was offered a chance at therapy. I was offered acceptance for who or what was seen inside of me. And I completely ruined it because I couldn’t see it. 

And if things hadn’t been bad before, they sure did get worse after that. 

And they stayed worse. I couldn’t see it, but it was bad. I still don’t know how I snapped out of it, or if I really have, or what the fuck. I just woke up one day and didn’t want to be that person anymore, so I did something I had never done before. 

I prioritized myself. 

At least, as much as I knew how. I tried to apologize to those I could. I respected those that wished me away. I went to therapy. I realized that I was one of those “nice guys” that treated women like shit. I worked in that. I worked on having a better relationship with my family. I worked on presenting my friends with the language and behavior I expected to receive. I put in the work, and I keep putting in the work, because... I mean, who the fuck else is gonna do it? 

It’s so easy to feel like you’re deserved to be treated a certain way. It’s so easy to stay rotten like that. It’s easy to feel like you should be prioritized. But honestly, you don’t. 

I am disconnected because part of my growing up was learning to de-prioritize myself over others and part of being an adult is not taking responsibility for the way that I feel. I am not a priority to my family, or my friends, some day still not even to myself, and that is just as much my fault as anyone else’s. I try. I try so very hard that it becomes frustrating, and in my heart, I know the people that love me try too. 

But the voice inside my soul screams out constantly, that I am not a priority, and therefore my efforts are futile. 

I’m not here to whine about it, or to try and gather sympathy. But I understand those perspectives. I just needed to say how it is I’m thinking lately, maybe in hopes of getting over it and moving on to the next thing. Inevitably, people will share their opinion about it, and I will be met with both opposition and acceptance for these words. And as always, I won’t know exactly how to deal it with it. So for the majority of it, I won’t. And that’s on me. But through all of those mixed opinions, I hope everyone understands that none of it makes it any easier to fill out an emergency contact form. Because it doesn’t change that I am not a priority to anyone. And I hope people understand that I get that. 

We can sit around and talk about how God has a plan and things will change and it’ll get better. On the same scale, we can discuss how the universe is a mass of chaos and I just drew some unlucky cards. It doesn’t change the situation. 

Today, here and now, in this moment, I am not a priority. 

Please excuse me while I try and figure out how to live with it. 

Appreciation

Ya know, I’m having this experience right now. I’m saying “I don’t feel appreciated.” And people are saying, “Hey, I appreciate you man.” And I don’t know how to say this without ranting like a lunatic and coming off as aggressive and ungrateful. So I’m just gonna say it.

Knowing that you’re appreciated and feeling appreciated are two different things. I know that my friends love me, and that there is appreciation for the things I do. That goes without saying. Years of spending time together has proven that. That is not the conversation I’m trying to have. I’m trying to explain that no one is doing anything to make me FEEL appreciated right now.

I want to point out now that this isn’t meant to call out any specific person, or any one event. There has been A BUNCH of stuff that has led me to feel this way. Things have really sucked recently. And yes to the cynics that say “you’re in charge of how you feel,” and yes to those rolling their eyes finding my posts to be overly dramatic. From a certain perspective, I give credence to your opinion. But here’s another perspective. 

This is my blog, so go fuck yourself.

When I’m expressing that I don’t feel appreciated, and someone stops and says “I appreciate you,” here’s what I perceive. You’re not actually listening. You’re covering your bases. What I hear is, “Surely you’re not talking about me. I stand apart from this nonsense. What you’re feeling does not apply here, because I’m saying the words to you. I shan’t feel the guilt you sprinkle onto your social comrades because I’ve taken the time to thrust my appreciation onto you in your time of need. Aren’t I the hero you need right now!”

And then I’m left feeling like an ungrateful git without the actual problem being addressed.

What I haven’t gotten, and look, I know WHY this happens, I’m not without a DEEPER UNDERSTANDING of what’s going on here... I’m frustrated with the way I feel and people’s knee-jerk reactions to frustratingly expressing myself in a poor manner. I’m not MAD at anyone. It’s been a shit week and I went on a mini-online-tirade about it, and the response from some people is and will be a defensive one even if masqueraded behind the idea of expressing their appreciation of me. That reaction is my fault because of the way I chose to express myself. So I get it. But what I haven’t gotten is someone stopping to ask, “what is it that’s making you feel this way,” or “what can I do to make you FEEL appreciated?” And that’s what I need, and that’s what I should have said I needed. 

So here I am draping an apology with a logical explanation of human behavior. Which, however the reader perceives it, has actually made me feel better. 

But here’s my point. I’ll try to be as clear as I can on this. I feel like I go out of my way to fine-tune my actions, my language, my behavior, to cater to people. It’s like micro-managing my self to be more pleasing to others. What one old friend would say are the ”little things,” like buying a specific type of cheese I hate so someone else can enjoy it, or asking how someone’s day went knowing full well they’re going to vent at me about things I do not care about, and still being attentive enough to listen and be sympathetic. The little things that SHOW I appreciate someone. The things that make people stop and go, “oh, cool.” (Which now that I think about it, someone did knock on my bedroom door this week just to give me an energy drink. You know who you are, you terrible fucking influence. Thank you.)

I might get some slack for this next bit, but I REALLY pride myself on these types of things. One, because a long time ago someone accused me of neglecting them. And two, because I feel like they aren’t done enough in general. And you know what? Sometimes, it would be really cool if someone, fucking ANYONE did shit like that for me.

Now, I’m not going to say it never happens. R.E.: energy drink guy. But I will say it doesn’t happen very often. (Btw energy drink guy, you were exasperatedly celebrated over text that morning.) What leads to my frustration is something like this: I do a bunch of this stuff for multiple people in succession. Some people are grateful, some people don’t seem to notice. More often than not, a conversation starts which leads to “we should do this thing” and I’m like “YEEEEESSSSSSS!!!1!” Then the time for that thing rolls around and I say “hey, the thing,” and the person goes “OH CRAP! I can’t do the thing.” If I’m lucky enough to get a response. 

This happens to me ALL THE TIME. Seriously, I don’t know how to express to you how often this happens. Some people are going to say, “that happens to everyone,” but not like it happens to me. Cornflakes are less flakey to me than my social circle. I swear to god.

So over the course of some time, this happens a bunch, and I start getting bummed out. And I want to make it clear, it’s not like I don’t get invited to do stuff. I do. Quite often. And over this summer, I made a concerted effort to get out there and really try some stuff I’ve never done and really focus on enjoying things I’ve never tired that some of my friends really love. I had mixed results. But from my point of view, these are things my friends are into, and the things I get flaked on are the things I’m into. 

With the exception being D&D, which I’ve tricked a bunch of my friends into doing, and they love it, but there’s a whole thing happening now where they burn everything down and loot the area, which zaps my ever-loving soul because I’m trying to weave a goddamn story will you stop smashing kerosene lanterns into the dry thickets???

Thanks for getting into D&D, guys. I actually really do appreciate that.

So I do the little things, people seem interested in my hobbies, but then they flake, and I get bummed. So I do this thing. And I’ve pointed this out to people before, I do this thing and I do it for a super selfish reason, and it always backfires on me because I know I’m making it about me and I shouldn’t be doing that. 

I start telling people how awesome they are. 

Like, a lot of people. All at once.

And I do it because I want people to tell me how awesome I am. Because at this point, I don’t feel awesome. And some people do! They tell me I’m awesome, and then ask me how I am, and I fess up and explain that I feel like crap and I just wanted someone to tell me I’m awesome and sometimes it helps.

But most of the time, people just go “Thanks!” 

And then that’s it.

In my heart I know that I should feel good about trying to do these things for others even when they don’t go as planned. But in my soul I know it’s partially a facade because I’m only trying to get people to treat me the way I’m treating them. People say that’s the way you should behave. But if I’m completely honest about the situation, I have this expectation of people and the universe. That you should get back what you put in. And that’s something else people say you should live by. 

Except that I know in my soul, for me, it’s an expectation. And it shouldn’t be. Which clearly makes all of this my fault.

So all of these things happen, and I come to this realization, and I work on getting over it. And this is the pattern. This happens over, and over, and over. Weeks, or maybe months, and I do this again, and again, and again. 

And then, Hell Week.

Hell Week can come at any time. I do not know what triggers it, but I do know the symptoms. I have trouble focusing, leading to mistakes on projects. I sleep more and communicate less. I stop eating healthier and exercise less. I try to reach out to people, but I become indignant to their responses. And most importantly, I feel like there’s this expectation of me to “keep it up.” Try harder. Be nicer. Do more for others. The responses are the same. Try harder. Be nicer. Do more for others. Still the same. Try harder. Be nic... IS ANYONE EVEN PAYING ATTENTION TO WHAT IM DOING HERE???

No, you git. Of course they’re not. Because to the outside, I’m just doing the same stuff I always do. And for some unknown reason, I just popped. And now not only do I feel unappreciated, but I also feel ungrateful. Because to the outside, they’re not doing anything different either. And it all happens because you have this expectation that people SHOW YOU their appreciation when they don’t even fully understand YOUR concept of what that means. And now you look like an asshat as well. Way to go, winner.

There’s a difference between knowing you’re appreciated and feeling it. I haven’t been feeling it lately. And that’s my fault. I think because of the same reason all people feel unappreciated sometimes. Because I have trouble communicating what I need to FEEL appreciated. Even now, through all of this, you’d have to read between the lines to get a full understanding of what I need to feel appreciated. So I apologize for that. Maybe, for those that have read this far, this will help a little. Buy the cheese I like. I would greatly appreciate that.